…The Struggle

It’s easy on the surface, but the surface isn’t the problem.
The surface is replete with friendly smiles and witty come back lines.
Self-deference and willingness to help others are catch words used to describe me.
The truth though…is much different. It’s a facade fabricated daily.
The surface is a carefully crafted lie. Honed though years of perseverance.
Smiles and casual banter are the first line of a layered defense.
They are used as a foil and a parry to hold others at arms length.
Deference is nothing more than hastily built shoring to keep slowly crumbling walls in                      place.
Some days the shoring and the parrying are enough to withstand the waves
…but then there are the other days.
The breakers start out manageable but slowly they start eroding the carefully placed shoring.
Wooden tresses twist and yaw and nails begin to pull out of holes.
One by one they start to fall aside and float away. Soon the domino effect starts.
Multiple ones let go exposing the inner wall…a wall only built that morning.
Not fully cured yet, it cannot withstand the continuous assault.
With the outer shoring gone and the battering of waves getting stronger, the inner shoring and wall crumble fast.
Support is always there they tell you, just reach out.
At that moment, in the swirling currents all I see is gray bleakness and gathering clouds.
On the horizon, I see points of light that represent hope and safety if I can only get to them.
In those moments, my fate lies suspended by a thread.
A simple, non-twisted single thread connected distantly to hope.
I take a deep breath and start swimming against the current praying my strength holds out.
My perseverance and will are tested and stretched.
The inside struggle to maintain course and continue forward fights against the creeping defeatist doubt.
But on the outside though, all they see is me and a corner.
Man-made walls are used to try and replace my inner ones.
Today I win the battle and begin to rebuild my internal walls once again.
Maybe tomorrow they will hold…

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